...ah. I remember when it seemed there was nothing but time. The days were way too long. Summer was ok for the first two weeks, then you were bored. School was exciting for the first week while you checked in with people you hadn't seen over the summer, then it was a long haul until Christmas break. When a weekend to play after a weeks worth of work seemed like ambrosia. When did it get shorter? And when did dumb-guilt show up???

Now days, I can barely feel the time pass. Yesterday it was new years day and suddenly we have 30 days to Hallowe'en. Where did it go? I can't remember getting anything important done in that time. I'm sure that I accomplished something, but I can't seem to place it.

I recall the days (vaguely) when I didn't have to have a list of things that must be done. Like the basics. Feeding the children. This is important. (They get crabby and canabalistic if you don't feed them regularly.) Making dinner. Having the entire family sit down for the ten minutes it takes them to wolf down food. Together. I have vague recollections of enjoying the taste of food once....now it has become fuel. I wonder if my car takes more pleasure out of a tank of gas than I seem to do out of a meal...?

I kind of remember NOT feeling guilty when I had time to putz around in the morning. When I could take my time about getting dressed, putting on the face and doing something with the mop.

These days it auto-pilot. And if you have time, obviously something isn't right and you have dumb-guilt about whatever it is that you forgot or didn't do or whatever....

This is a typical morning:

Kill the alarm. Think about resetting it for ten more minutes, but have dumb-guilt about not getting up right away. Go to kitchen. Get the tea - this is a requirement in order to operate anything that required more than one brain cell. First child is up and hungry, feed the first child. Get the second out of bed, make sure he can walk to the kitchen without bumping into the walls (Not a morning person). Feed that one. Drink the tea. Get the lunch ready. Find the homework folder in the mess that seems to always be on the kitchen counter. Make more tea. Fetch third child and feed it. Tell the other two to get dressed. Rush to the bedroom and find something to wear. Stop playing with Lego's and get your shoes on! Brush your teeth and hair. Make your bed - they require constant badgering, children do. Wolf down some breakfast. Frozen waffle - I guess I could have put it in the toaster, but we're running late. Ah! Look at that mop. Get it wet and twist it into a bun, that's fine. No one ever notices my hair anyway. I've pared down make-up to the bare essentials - sunscreen, some base to even out the skin tones and mascara. Brush the fangs. Don't have time for more. Damn it's 8:15 - let's get in the car. Don't forget your lunch!

(I can see there are a few of you shaking your heads wondering why it is that mom isn't doing this stuff. Believe me you, I am much more a morning person than my sister. But most of the time, she is right there along side chivvying the little terrors too...it truly takes a tribe to get our littles moving in the morning)

Today, mom has taken them to school. I don't have any appointments at work until noon. Roger doesn't have to be at his appointment until 10:30. I can actually just sit. Type on the computer. Do my bills. Read a book. Study for a test. Yet I have guilt. How dumb is that? I COULD go back to bed and sleep for another hour - but I won't. Then I would have seriouse dumb-guilt. I already have dumb-guilt for not having to be somehwere RIGHT NOW. Pretty dumb if you ask me....

It's seems to me that I have forgotten how to relax....how silly is that?